Thursday, October 14, 2010

P.S. I love you

Sometime back I read about two distinct thoughts on the nature and evolution of the human brain after birth. One declares that the brain is like a blank, and the surroundings create impressions on the mind and hence shape the way the brain functions. The other, of course, says that the brain is not a blank. We are born with certain features and the mind also carries impressions from the processes by which it comes into existence.I have no evidence or clue to support either. However, it is still amazing to ponder about the corollaries that can be derived from such hypotheses. In this article, I have got inside shoes that are not very comfortable and given a rather indecent concrete shape to some figments of my imagination. Just like Khushwant Singh's "The Company of Women", this can very well be said to be a real story of someone I know very well, to avoid the responsibility and avert from the curiosity of the few readers whom I ll forward the link and compel to go through once I am finished with it.

From early school days, I have always been fighting my libido. I am not sure, whether it is I, who have inculcated it over the years or it is more to do with how I am. The sight, smell and the absence of the opposite sex have always influenced me to a great extent. However I have tried to rationalize my feelings beyond necessity and in the process got more confused. Things got simpler with losing virginity. But sometimes this very simplicity is very bewildering and creates room for indifference. This indifference is different from the one that comes from abstinence.

In this post, I shall try to explore love, as I have experienced it, over the years, directed towards mostly good looking, fair and healthy females who have shown sympathy, attention or lust towards me in return. I will not write something which stinks of insecurity, will not talk to appease anyone. I will write like I have Lisa Ann in my bed, and "you can't do anything about it" type. I will not show undue respect, will not enshroud my words in any fogginess, nor will I write to cover up my own limitations and perversions.

I need to maintain a chronological order of my experiences(initially, I had used the word "exploits", and then later, while reading, I was embarrassed enough to remove it) to illustrate how the seed of love was sown in my heart, and what it grew up to be. I was in junior school, when my heart ached for someone quite bad and got unreasonable. I had been to Lucknow for a while and met a girl over there in the hotel where we had put up. It is funny to imagine, that I have been trying so long, not to much effect. All I remember of her was that she was from a small town, in the outskirts of Calcutta, called Bali and wore spectacles. She was very nice to talk to, and in the few hours I spent with her in the open hall of the Nawabi mansion, sowed the first seeds of romance in my otherwise nervous body. Often in lonely afternoons and dark nights and at my study desk in the morning, I would remember her, would make up situations where I meet her accidentally, in my mind and slowly immerse myself in it. After a while, I would wake up to reality and the silver screen would disappear before my eyes. So, it was time for me to switch the channel of my f tv (fantasy tv) to some girls in my locality or my school. But not unless, the nights were too dark and boring, that I would fancy much about them.
Still there used to be one girl, who would be enjoying a large portion of my mind, as big as what I learnt in all my school years maybe. She was in my school. I do not know about others, but in juniour classes in school, I did not have much idea about love, except that it meant to be between a guy and a gal, and the attraction part was evident. However, I would not be humble and inane like otherwise immodest and cunning people to say that I do not understand love even today. Because, I do. To talk more about that girl in my school, she used to be pretty and still undesirable. I would not like her, still I would be attracted towards her. I would feel a strange attraction towards her and still a repulsion strong enough to keep me going head over heels on her. I harboured her thoughts in my mind for may be over half a decade, till it was overthrown by her gradual transition to complete disappearance from my locales. I never spoke or did anything with her which would reflect my inner feelings. I used to be quite stupid. When she was totally gone, I would feel a little disappointed for being such a coward and used to blame myself. It would give rise to pessimism and disinterest in worldly things for me. In course of time, however, I realised that it was pure lust which created so much turmoil in my mind. I accepted that I did not like her. Things were simpler thereafter, only for a few years.
Despite all these fascinations and romantic hangovers, there used to be a lot of time still left to be spent during school days, mainly because of the inordinately long vacations, when I would be very much away from everyone else. During these times, I would often feel lonely. First, there were books,television, cassette player, then came video game console and later on desktop. Sometimes I used to go on trips to different places with my parents, but much to my dismay, my libido went along with me, like a dark shadow, everywhere I went. Like in Gangtok, how I used to go the small confectionery on the Mall Road to look at the girl who used to sit at the billing counter! Then while returning from Himachal, I would continuously look at the girl sitting a few seats on the right of me in the Kalka Mail, until she got down somewhere with her parents and moved into oblivion. There have been so many hundreds I guess I have stared at with a blank face and sometimes, remembered their faces a little more than usual.
As I moved into high school, the intensity of emotions did not shoot up rapidly for me. Instead, I moved inside a shell of rationality and indifference for lack of understanding of the opposite sex. When you do not understand something, it is a common human tendency to avoid it. There used to be conflicts inside me, when the values I imbibed from my immediate surroundings would clash with my inner sensuality. It was awkward to get some female attention in high school and made me nervous and undecided how to react to situations. Of the little I got, I did not make any use of them. Sincerely, I did not have courage or the liberty to be able to do anything much. I feared the strict vigil back home towards non-academic indulgences.
I have learnt a lot from seeing movies, because as such I did not have a very active social life. I grew up to be little reclusive and reticent, but then changed with time slowly. If you do not pick up something early, it's a lot of friction to learn it later, believe me. However, when I started to watch television alone and surf channels, there was one point of time, when I mustered enough courage to keep the channels which had started new, on. I am talking about the likes of Zee MGM, f tv, AXN, Zee English, HBO, Hollywood, etc. I could not understand mostly what they said, but I did like what I saw. Then I would again turn to the tv set when there would be no one at home, which would be quite often. The movies would feature the likes of Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta Jones and I would remain glued to the tv set, just looking at them or trying to decipher what they are saying. Haute Couture, Lingerie shows on ftv were breathtakingly awesome. It was still too much for me to take and appreciate. Blatant nudity to an Indian teenager is too much of a shocker to start with, only to be replaced by other emotions over a period of time. All guys, I hope, have seen Silk Stalkings on AXN, because it was simply awesome and much more erotic than say Baywatch. In my school days, when we did not have internet connection at home, these were on the menu to satisfy the sexual cravings that would become really a burden to carry when u leave your childhood and know that you have hit puberty. One would not know as such what to do, but then the television channels would take full advantage of innocent minds. Girls still did not exactly match up to the women I was getting to see on the TV. All the girls I knew looked nowhere close. I did not feel like I needed to befriend someone. Times were good, when I had the whole house to myself. I would draw all the curtains to block the window panes and close the doors, and either sit on the couch or on the bed and start enjoying the new-found excitement. I never bought any Debonair or such magazine, though I found many school-mates ecstatic about them. Those days, I never got pocket money to sponsor my own personal pleasures beyond a Pepsi and an ice cream.
I fell ill for a few years till my boards. I used to have strong allergic agitations. I could not really do anything much about it, than take pills and endure the pain. Sexuality took a back stage due to the illness. I started to take academics more seriously. I started doing well and started suppressing my sexual longings under the heavy books that I had to read to get through the tough times. I would not say that it was not possible to manage both at the same time. But, I had no guidance. I relied on my instincts which were more prone to value survival than propagation. So, I relied much on television during these days, but after a while came to know from outside quarters, that I am missing out a lot in life because I did not have a desktop computer at home. I would get jealous to see AOE, Quake,etc in the PCs at my friend's places and was convinced that I had to coax my parents to get me one. I did well in the boards, well enough to convince my parents that I really needed a computer to do well further. After the secondary examination results came out, they got me an assembled computer (non-branded PC). I cajoled them to get the internet connection to learn more through the online Encyclopedia Britannica site. I had won a cd of the same in some school level competition. It served much more than I expected it to.

To Be Continued..


  1. as they say, there is a thin line between love and hatred :)

  2. :) tittle se kuch aur hi sound kar raha this actually disclosed about how we travel our journey from kids to adolcents;) i mean puberty:D
    every person goes thru these thoughts n stages in life be it a female o a male bt no1 can define it so well d way u did in this post:)
    kudos! to u fr this frnd:)

  3. It certainly raise my interest to read more so do continue Olive ...Don't keep us waiting for too long.

  4. Nice way to explain the transcending journey from innocence to puberty. Please don't keep us waited for long for the next episode(s). Great going !!